I swear to drunk I'm not God: August 2007

TT Karting

LS Pic comments

Gallery comments
Check out the comments to the photos in the gallery.

Tuesday 31 July 2007, 18:35
CheekyChica f/27 from Newcastle upon tyn in Newcastle
mennnnnnnnn woohooo not a goodlooking as u thou ;)

Tuesday 31 July 2007, 18:34
CheekyChica f/27 from Newcastle upon tyn in Newcastle
wow id like to hav a ride on that.thats awesome.

Tuesday 31 July 2007, 18:33
CheekyChica f/27 from Newcastle upon tyn in Newcastle
very niceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. i like you loads u posh git !!

Tuesday 31 July 2007, 18:32
CheekyChica f/27 from Newcastle upon tyn in Newcastle
very cosy, but one sofa wud do just fine ;)

Tuesday 31 July 2007, 18:32
CheekyChica f/27 from Newcastle upon tyn in Newcastle
;) nudge nudge wink wink. <3

Tuesday 31 July 2007, 18:31
CheekyChica f/27 from Newcastle upon tyn in Newcastle
wooooooo arnt we a sweaty ;) Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm i like ;)

Tuesday 22 May 2007, 19:50
anastasia f/37 from Leigh in Wigan
nice car.. nickd?!

Monday 21 May 2007, 22:45
anastasia f/37 from Leigh in Wigan
you think you poo'd!

Monday 21 May 2007, 22:44
anastasia f/37 from Leigh in Wigan
is this you!! in drag!!

Wednesday 9 May 2007, 13:38
zOgGiE f/21 from Northampton in Northampton
woah! 2 many beers and baked beans i think!

Monday 30 April 2007, 16:24
stotallytober m/36 from Stafford in Stoke-on-Trent
Well it used to be white as well

Sunday 29 April 2007, 18:08
Gracie_Charms f/18 from Wadebridge in Plymouth
we got that, but in white XD

Sunday 29 April 2007, 18:06
Gracie_Charms f/18 from Wadebridge in Plymouth
woah bet that stunk :P

Sunday 29 April 2007, 18:04
Gracie_Charms f/18 from Wadebridge in Plymouth
lol, thats funny. i need that for the back of my car

Monday 23 April 2007, 23:29
clary f/31 from Covent Garden in West Central London
Looks comfy to watch TV and fall asleep :)

Thursday 12 April 2007, 04:31
xia f/29 from Chelsea in South West London
Atleast i know i will never be there ..

Thursday 12 April 2007, 04:30
xia f/29 from Chelsea in South West London
I hope it's Jewish

Wednesday 11 April 2007, 15:46
MrGopher m/26 from Rugby in Coventry
I've always liked the sign that says "Test your airbags here"

Wednesday 11 April 2007, 15:45
MrGopher m/26 from Rugby in Coventry
Class

Monday 9 April 2007, 17:36
xia f/29 from Chelsea in South West London
They're all men (lucky me)

Monday 9 April 2007, 17:35
xia f/29 from Chelsea in South West London
Haha .. and here we look

Monday 9 April 2007, 17:34
xia f/29 from Chelsea in South West London
Shaviffic ..

Monday 9 April 2007, 17:33
xia f/29 from Chelsea in South West London
Did you park on the wrong side of the fence?

Monday 9 April 2007, 17:32
xia f/29 from Chelsea in South West London
Which one .. or none.

Monday 9 April 2007, 17:31
xia f/29 from Chelsea in South West London
Hª hªª ... I bet you love that one .. is it yours?

Monday 9 April 2007, 17:31
xia f/29 from Chelsea in South West London
Who's cozy?

Monday 9 April 2007, 17:31
xia f/29 from Chelsea in South West London
Do you wished it was you?

Wednesday 7 March 2007, 12:29
stotallytober m/36 from Stafford in Stoke-on-Trent
Its not me... I don't have two bottoms :-)

Wednesday 7 March 2007, 10:12
sxikitty f/18 from Corby in Northampton
what had you been eating? *giggles* xx

Monday 5 March 2007, 00:20
stotallytober m/36 from Stafford in Stoke-on-Trent
5.30pm on a weekday...

Sunday 4 March 2007, 19:05
clary f/31 from Covent Garden in West Central London
cool

Thursday 22 February 2007, 16:28
clary f/31 from Covent Garden in West Central London
Nice eyes and messy hair :-)

Wednesday 21 February 2007, 02:40
xia f/29 from Chelsea in South West London
The whole time I was sure this guy wasn't you ..

Sunday 18 February 2007, 23:19
xia f/29 from Chelsea in South West London
Stotally Tobers secret homemade camouflaged Honda lawnmower.

Friday 16 February 2007, 18:42
xia f/29 from Chelsea in South West London
iSnow

Friday 16 February 2007, 18:41
xia f/29 from Chelsea in South West London
Hª hªª .. not looking into the lense you don't redeye reduction.

Friday 16 February 2007, 18:40
xia f/29 from Chelsea in South West London
I doubt that's yours ..

Friday 16 February 2007, 18:39
xia f/29 from Chelsea in South West London
It suits you.

Tuesday 13 February 2007, 15:12
clary f/31 from Covent Garden in West Central London
Very funny!

Tuesday 13 February 2007, 13:48
stotallytober m/36 from Stafford in Stoke-on-Trent
Jewish obviously

Tuesday 13 February 2007, 13:47
stotallytober m/36 from Stafford in Stoke-on-Trent
iLOL'd

Monday 12 February 2007, 23:37
xia f/29 from Chelsea in South West London
iPeed

Monday 12 February 2007, 23:37
xia f/29 from Chelsea in South West London
The oil is burning .. and the pants too.

Monday 12 February 2007, 23:36
xia f/29 from Chelsea in South West London
You said it - it's great to be a fireman!

Monday 12 February 2007, 23:36
xia f/29 from Chelsea in South West London
One of the worst place to be in the world - poor thing.

Sunday 11 February 2007, 15:46
cutieeyes f/28 from Birmingham in Birmingham
lol thats cool !

Sunday 11 February 2007, 15:46
cutieeyes f/28 from Birmingham in Birmingham
lol thats cool !

Sunday 11 February 2007, 01:33
clary f/31 from Covent Garden in West Central London
Cute and funny

Tuesday 9 January 2007, 21:05
clary f/31 from Covent Garden in West Central London
Nice photo :)

Sunday 29 October 2006, 04:04
xia f/29 from Chelsea in South West London
Are you a Swede?

LS Guestbook

stotallytober's Guest book, 1487 entries

Profile · Guest Book · Blog · Mates · Pics · Bookmarks · Lunar Score

I swear to drunk I'm not God

Yesterday, 11:50 (#1487)
CheekyChica f/27 from Newcastle upon tyn in Newcastle
IM OFF 4 A WK THIS PLACE WILL BE CLOSED WEHN I GET BACK. THANKS 4 BEING SO FRIENDLY HUN ,CATCH U ON MSN HUN.

Tuesday 21 August 2007, 17:46 (#1486 - unanswered)
CheekyChica f/27 from Newcastle upon tyn in Newcastle
im in front of queue hun.

Tuesday 21 August 2007, 17:45 (#1485)
CheekyChica f/27 from Newcastle upon tyn in Newcastle
lol theres always a 1st time hun,let u know when ive sampled the goods ;)

Tuesday 21 August 2007, 17:44 (#1484)
CheekyChica f/27 from Newcastle upon tyn in Newcastle
its you,i see lunar is closing on 1st september,cant say im bothered like,least ive still got u on msn ,more private there hun ;)

Tuesday 21 August 2007, 10:49 (#1483)
CheekyChica f/27 from Newcastle upon tyn in Newcastle
its how u use it thou hun ;) all dolls be after him now, im just bideing my time ;) hehe

Tuesday 21 August 2007, 10:48 (#1482)
CheekyChica f/27 from Newcastle upon tyn in Newcastle
thought walmart was asda like,is here also.its massive.wish you could say same eh ? haha

Tuesday 21 August 2007, 10:47 (#1481)
CheekyChica f/27 from Newcastle upon tyn in Newcastle
liam a bully, no hes not lovely kind sweet guy,with a good heart him man,dolls love him.

Tuesday 21 August 2007, 10:24 (#1480 - unanswered)
Galaxies f/45 from Acton in West London
some drugs makes the persons deviant in a negative way and should certainly not be legalised.."out of controle" .. if legalized it is then impossible to confisk dagerous "stuf" children and youngsters can run into .. and get damaged by.. http://en.wikipedia.org/wik... . Cannabis usually makes people into Sociopathes / psychopathes .. anti social .. not quite good ? FILM: 28 days with Sandra Bullock ... the person simply CHANGE mind = is not the same person WITH drugs and without .. but in a negative way: therefore by low forbidden ..

Monday 20 August 2007, 18:55 (#1479)
Galaxies f/45 from Acton in West London
food ...I gave them food, no stuff / drugs

Monday 20 August 2007, 17:47 (#1478)
little_miss_welshy f/24 from Cardiff in Cardiff
hellloo long time noooo chat :( u ok??

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stotallytober m/36 Online

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From Stafford (Stafford ) in Stoke-on-Trent

I run a chain of designer shoeshops along with being a part-time fireman

My hobbies include counting money, re-arranging furniture and listening patiently

And if you believe that.."It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day""I hope I didn't brain my damage!"

Website: http://www.fbi.gov/wanted/topten/fugitiv...

ICQ: uceemee

Skype: speak up please

Cool facts

Personality:
Nerd Politics:
Centre Interests:
Collecting things
Accommodation:
On a bench Marital status:
Leave me alone! Dress style:
Woodstock style
Favourite food:
Don't like food Listen to:
Chipmods Hair colour:
Died into some cool colour

Link to this profile: http://www.lunarstorm.co.uk/stotallytober/

© 1996-2007 LunarStorm UK Ltd. Tell a Friend | Make as Home Page | Add to Favourites |

Activity

These are the two most recent logins by stotallytober:

August
Today, 15:42
Today, 15:33

stotallytober has visited LunarStorm 2759 times. He became a member 18 February 2006.
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LS Friends 23 Aug 2007

Friends City Comment Online
little_miss_welshy f/24 Cardiff p1sshead lol 17 min
Elegance f/23 Aberdare babe you have got z... 88 min
Galaxies f/45 Acton biggest hair in Europe Tdy 14:37
crazycow f/39 Newcastle chatterbox Tdy 14:36
xia f/29 Chelsea *wink* ---> Tdy 10:59
Strawberry_Sanj f/26 Streatham likes bad boys :-) ... Tdy 09:50
kian m/30 Glasgow great dude Tdy 00:22
xxxxsugarxxxx f/20 Gravesend aw little cutey Yday 21:42
clary f/31 Covent Garden besabrazosalicious ... Yday 19:20
shazzablanca f/24 Romford northern softy Yday 16:15
CheekyChica f/27 Newcastle u... drinks babychams an... Yday 11:51
LUCKYTOO f/36 Bedford rubbish at pool, pr... Yday 08:50
Loopykittystar f/25 King's lynn bonkers chatterbox :-) 14 Aug 19:40
ZEEZEE f/33 Islington no need to shout 8 Aug 01:32
coolspott f/34 Rotherham superdeedooper

Wayne's World

Wayne's World Thu 23 Mar 06 10:24
Wednesday Night

Today I played football with my friends I wore a red shirt then I visited a lady who looked like my mum and played with my winky when I got home Coleen was cross and threw my fishfingers in the bin so I bought her some shoes made of gold and she was happy again and then I went to bed

(Actually I've seen him play and though it was for Man U he was superb)

Pet Shop

Pet Shop Fri 24 Mar 06 23:41
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said 50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,

"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman began to laugh about the situation

considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"

Real Life Cybers3x

Real Life Cybers3x Thu 13 Apr 06 21:29
Real Life Cybersex:

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse and a miniskirt and high
heels. My measurements are 36-24-36. I work out every
day. I'm toned and perfect. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have
on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I
am also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue
sauce on it from dinner - it smells a little funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK.

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the
stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm
looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its down
to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling
bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk
slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster,
pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and I accidently rip
a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My
soft breasts are rising and falling, rising and falling,
as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's
stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back
and undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The
air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting
the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your
tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know,
breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling
your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your spit off my breasts with the remains of
my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with
a .

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hard
tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over,
in and out, nibbling on your ... umm ... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling
through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep
your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed, aching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the
cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait,
it's dark. I'm lost. Where's the bedroom.

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so
badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked
bodies pressing against each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off you glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the
glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room
and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom. It's dark. I'm feeling around for
the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle,
but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper.
Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly
feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my ... you know ... thing ... in
your ... you know ... woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss
your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand
it another second! Slide it in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look
on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all
floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet, nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night
table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans
of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One
of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on
fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Banned from B & Q

Banned from B & Q Sat 15 Apr 06 15:40
Been banned today from DIY chain B & Q. Some t0sser in orange overalls asked me if I wanted decking so I made sure I got the first fcuking punch in

Spooky Date 4th May

Spooky Date 4th May Wed 19 Apr 06 05:59
In about two week's time, just after 1am it will be

01:02:03 on 04.05.06

Well I think I will have a small glass of JD to celebrate

Unless you are American in which case you've missed it

mmm Chilli

mmm Chilli Tue 25 Apr 06 15:05
Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli # 8: Mount Saint Helen's Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

MySpace

MySpace Sun 30 Apr 06 02:08
Only three things are certain in life. MySpace, Taxes, and Death.
If you have a MySpace account and you die, this is where you will end up.
MyDeathSpace.com memorializes deceased MySpace users and picks up where a regular obituary leaves off.

Mindreading

Mindreading Thu 11 May 06 15:32
I can tell what you are thinking... try this little test

Think of a number between 1 and 9

Multiply that number by 9

If the answer is a two digit number add the two digits together to get a single digit

Subtract 5 from your number

On the logic of a=1, b=2, c=3 etc. convert your number to a letter

Think of a country in Europe beginning with that letter

Take the last letter of that country and think of an animal beginning with this new letter

Take the last letter of this animal and think of a fruit beginning with this letter

Answer below........

You are thinking of a kangaroo in Denmark eating an orange

My fave Simpsons quotes

My fave Simpsons quotes Tue 6 Jun 06 19:37
Homer: [Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay]
Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You are gay.'

Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

Homer: Hey boy! Wanna play catch?
Bart: No thanks dad.
Homer: When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong.
Grandpa Simpson: I'll play catch with you!
Homer: Go home.

Grandpa: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.

Marge; Grandpa, are you sitting on the apple pie?
Grandpa: I sure hope so...

Announcer: Your cable television is experiencing difficulties. Please do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless.
Wiggum (checking): Well I'll be damned.

Homer: You couldn't fool your own mother on the foolingest day of your life with an electrified fooling machine!

Homer: No offense Apu, but when they're handing out religions you must be out taking a whizz.
Apu: Mr. Simpson, pay for your purchases and get out...and come again.

Comic Book Guy: These “Bat Pants” have been shredded by the Riddler.
Dry Cleaner Clerk: No, just your ass.
Comic Book Guy: That’s what I call my ass.

Funniest Ebay seller ever

Funniest Ebay seller ever Thu 8 Jun 06 13:40
There is a guy in Oxford called platothefish selling things on ebay.. his replies to inane queries are so humourous he has built up a cult following.. and now he has published one of my stupid questions on the item for sale description woohoo

Item number: 4646346659

The original Ford Galaxy for sale ad has been quoted on fark.com, the register, etc and is a classic

http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=2104878

Optical illusion

Optical illusion Sat 10 Jun 06 01:29
This is really freaky, try looking at your hand on a plain background afterwards

http://dogfeathers.com/java/spirals.html

Male versus Female dictionary

Male versus Female dictionary Mon 12 Jun 06 17:20
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's bonnet.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
LESBIAN (lez-bi-an) n.
female: A woman who makes love to other women.
male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch.
GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n.
female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing cricket without a box.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the lads.
BUM (bum) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look Bigger".
male: The organ for mooning (and farting).
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Sex.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: What women do while the man is shagging.

The Man Show Boy Videos

The Man Show Boy Videos Fri 16 Jun 06 19:02
If you have a childish toilet sense of humour these are amongst the best there is. "You're wrinklier than my dad's balls.."

http://www.media-post.net/v...

The Evolution of Dance

The Evolution of Dance Mon 3 Jul 06 02:00
Soooo funny.. am practicing in the mirror

http://youtube.com/watch?v=...;search=evolution%20of%20dance

Dead Funny South Park

Dead Funny South Park Tue 4 Jul 06 17:55
I didn't really find this a funny programme, at least not as much as the Simpsons, but bits like these have changed my mind... and one of my workmates is just like Cartman which makes them even funnier

http://youtube.com/watch?v=...;search=south%20park%20f%20word

http://youtube.com/watch?v=...;search=south%20park%20bitch

Are you among the 98%

Are you among the 98% Sat 8 Jul 06 17:42
This is a test.
Give it a try, then post here if you are among the 98% or the 2%.
You'll understand what that means after you finish taking the test.

Now - just follow the instructions as quickly as possible.

DO NOT go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous one..

You DO NOT need to write or remember the answers, just do it using your mind.

You'll be surprised.

Start:
How much is: 15 + 6

3 + 56

89 + 2

12 + 53

75 + 26

25 + 52

63 + 32

I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's nearly over. . .
Come on, one more! ...

123 + 5

QUICK! THINK ABOUT A COLOR AND A TOOL!

Scroll further to the bottom...

A bit more...

You just thought about a red hammer , didn't you?

If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have
a different, if not abnormal, mind.

98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this exercise.

Real Life Cybers3x No.2

Real Life Cybers3x No.2 Sun 9 Jul 06 02:44
omg wtf lol

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=FOpZ8giisyQ

Celebrity Dirty Jokes

Celebrity Dirty Jokes Mon 10 Jul 06 11:11
GEORGE CLOONEY: A guy is in a bar. He's so drunk he throws up all over himself. He tells the bartender, "What am I doing? When I go home my wife's going to kill me..." The bartender puts twenty dollars in his shirt pocket and says, "Go home..." Have you heard this one?
QUINT: No, I haven't heard it.
GEORGE CLOONEY: He says, "Go home and tell your wife you were in a bar and a guy came up... he was drunk, threw up all over you, but put $20 in your shirt pocket." He goes home, walks in and his wife says, "Hap, look at you. You threw up all over yourself!"
He goes, "Honey, a guy got drunk and threw up on me and he put $20 in my shirt pocket." She reaches in and pulls out $40 and says, "What's the other $20 for?" He says, "He shit in my pants, too!"

MAGGIE GRACE: Umm... alright. This guy goes through this horrible break-up with his girlfriend and goes into a bar. He's just slamming 'em back, right? There's a woman tending the bar and she's like, "Man, why are you so down?" The man says, "My girlfriend just broke up with me. She says I'm too kinky."
She goes, "Oh, my God! My boyfriend just dumped me. He said I was too kinky!" He goes, "Really, what time do you get off?" So, they hit it off, they hook up... She agrees to leave with him when her shift is over and they go back to her place.
She's like, "Well, I'm just gonna go slip into something a little more uncomfortable" and leaves for a few minutes. She comes back and he's halfway out the door. She's like, "What's the deal, man? I mean, I thought we were gonna have a good time."
He says, "Honey, I already shit in your purse and fcuked your cat. What else do you want?"

Funny Proverbs

Funny Proverbs Wed 12 Jul 06 13:12
A grade one teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by grade one kids ("6" >year-olds)!

Strike while the ..........................insect is close.
Never underestimate the power of............ants.
Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.
Better to be safe than......................punch a grade 7 boy.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.
It's always darkest before..................Daylight-Saving Time.
You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
No news is..................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............maths.
Love all, trust.............................me.
The pen is mightier than the................pigs.
An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.
Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is............................not much.
Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..........you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not.............smacked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.

Wikipedia funnies

Wikipedia funnies Mon 17 Jul 06 15:20
If you are a nerdy geek like me you may consult this brilliant encyclopaedia, even contribute omg. What you may not know is the existence of the "more bad jokes and deleted nonsense" pages at http://en.wikipedia.org/wik...:More_Bad_Jokes_and_Other_Deleted_Nonsense
which are good for a few hours chuckling

Some typical funnies: -

From RAM disk
RAM disk is NOT an installation instruction!

From President of the United States of America
There is a rock band called the Presidents of the United States of America; however, no person has both held the office of President of the U.S. and played in that band. That should be rectified.
Yeah, but in who's rectum?

From intestinal parasite
intestinal parasites come from putting poo-poo near your mouth. don't put poo-poo in or near your mouth and you won't get intestinal parasites. putting poo-poo in your mouth is bad, and this site does not condone putting poo-poo in your mouth. we're just trying to tell you it's bad. poo-poo in your mouth is bad.
Mmmkay? Poopoo is bad Mmmkay, children??

from Farnborough, Hampshire
Farnborough is the home of the Farnborough Air Show, an event that takes place once every two years. Farnborough also has a laundrette and a kebab shop.
It's probably the dullest place on the planet, and although I have often wished that it would be hit by a huge asteroid from outer-space, totally obliterating the town from the face of the planet... and then subsequently using that impact crater for the country's effluent disposal; it is still questionable that a 2km diameter cataclysmic impact crater and subsequent effluent eutrophication plant for the disposal of the solid human discharge litter, would compare to the huge "shit hole" that is Farnborough right now.
Farnborough is typified by the main road (cleverly named "Farnborough Road") that runs from one end of the town and out of the other side. Unfortunately, if you are travelling from Camberley into Farnborough, then you might find that the Farnborough Road leads you straight into Aldershot. Unlucky. That place is just as bad. I once had a girlfriend that came from Aldershot, and she was a huge demanding pain in the arse. All in all, it wasn't a pleasant experience: what with living in Farnborough and going out with a girl from Aldershot. Nasty business really. I wouldn't recommend any of it.

I think you're talking about Bridlington. --Miller 02:06, 19 February 2006 (UTC)

Mental Health Answerphone

Mental Health Answerphone 14:00
To all you barking nutters out there.. a big hello from another one. And remember... no matter how loony bonkers you might be, you will never be alone if you have schizophrenia

A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at my local mental health institute:-

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you
which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press
no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a
representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number,
date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

And finally, if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too
busy to talk to you."

Swearing Postman Pat

Swearing Postman Pat Mon 24 Jul 06 15:03
If you've ever watched this programme, and if you havent well... this might make you cry with laughter (adult language)

http://www.youtube.com/watc...;search=postman%20pat%20xxx

Funny magic

Funny magic Wed 2 Aug 06 13:11
Would be a great BB audition tape, guess I'm too old for that now :(

http://youtube.com/watch?v=...;search=funny%20magician

Zen Retreat

Zen Retreat Sun 6 Aug 06 14:17
Makes me want to play drums really loudly

http://www.flickr.com/photos/telstar/sets/72157594220973257/show/

Undressed in seven seconds

Undressed in seven seconds Tue 8 Aug 06 16:53
Well I'd like to see him do it with his leg in a cast, crazy japs

http://youtube.com/watch?v=...

My cube

My cube Wed 9 Aug 06 13:25
FFS its better than mine, but at least I have Carlsberg in the fridge

http://www.prankmike.com/

Three Years

Three Years Fri 11 Aug 06 15:52
Girl takes a photo of herself everyday for three years, looked better in specs

http://youtube.com/watch?v=...

How not to ride a bike in the city

How not to ride a bike in the city Sat 12 Aug 06 16:00
Try this with one leg in a cast and I'll be impressed

http://www.youtube.com/watc...

Laughing babies

Laughing babies Sun 13 Aug 06 13:54
There are normal cutsey videos, and then there's this one. Try looking after 5 with your leg in a cast

http://www.youtube.com/watc...

Ouch

Ouch Wed 16 Aug 06 13:37
Looks like a double achilles to me

http://youtube.com/watch?v=...

South Park Quotes

South Park Quotes Fri 18 Aug 06 13:41
Some adult language here and maybe a bit offensive too :-)

And a big hello to my mate Andy who looks like a grown up Cartman

Jewish Kid: Is anyone else having problems concentrating on this? I just can't seem to concentrate.
Cartman: Maybe we should send you to a concentration camp.

Mr. Garrison: I just don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

Cartman: I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I'd be like, HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!

Mr. Garrison: Does anyone know what sexual harassment means?
Cartman: When you are tying to have intercourse with a special lady friend and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.

Kyle: Wow! That's a lot of seamen, Cartman.
Cartman: Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an alley.
Stan: That's cool.
Cartman: Yeah, and the sweet thing is, the stupid asshole didn't even charge me money for it. He just made me close my eyes and suck on a hose.

Cartman: You so much at TOUCH kitty's ass, and I'll put a firecracker in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants.

Cartman: Hippies.They're everywhere. They wanna save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad.

Mr. Garrison: Who was in charge of the feminist movement of the early '60's?
Cartman: A bunch of fat old skanks on their periods.
Mr. Garrison: Right. But who was the fattest, oldest skank on her period?

Cartman: Well, I looked in my mom's closet and saw what I was getting for Christmas, an UltraVibe Pleasure 2000.

Cartman: Handle it? For two billion dollars I could handle my Grandpa's balls dude.

Stan: The note (from Wendy) says to meet her at Stark's Pond after school.
Kyle: Whoa, maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip a little tongue.
Kenny: [mumbles] Or slide a finger up her pussy.
Kyle: I didn't know she had a cat.

Uncle Jimbo: These shoes don't say I pound butt.
Mr. Garrison: No, those shoes say you take it in the butt.

Cartman: Well, I've been lickin' this carpet for 3 whole hours and I don't feel like a lesbian.

Cartman: I used to think disabled people were here for my amusement.

Cartman: Oh, oh, Jesus. I was laughing so hard--the milk came out of my nose.
Stan: Dude, you weren't drinking any milk.
Cartman: Huh?
Stan: You have to be drinking milk for that to happen.
Cartman: Not with me, man.

Uncle Jimbo: So you see, we have to kill animals, or else they'll die.

Cartman: That movie has warped my fragile little mind.

Cartman: Speaking of pounding ass, here come's Stan's little homo dog.

Timmy: TIMAH!

The Office - Microsoft Edition

The Office - Microsoft Edition Sun 20 Aug 06 15:59
Ricky Gervais does training videos for Microsoft

http://video.google.com/vid...

http://video.google.com/vid...

Cocktails

Cocktails woohoo (woowoo) Thu 31 Aug 06 22:56
I swear to durnk I'm not god jsut tkae me hmoe zzzzz thud

http://www.videojug.com/cat...

100 people

100 people Sat 9 Sep 06 17:24
Great little movie about the world being reduced to 100 people

http://www.miniature-earth....

Real life cybers3x No.3

Real life cybers3x No.3 Wed 13 Sep 06 16:12
Worried now that I find this so funny

-------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------- -------------

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears24: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears24: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears24: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears24: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears24: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.
BritneySpears24: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty Fuck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears24: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't fuck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears24: Don't ever message me again you piece of shit.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?

bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.
j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli3: thats it.
bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.

BritneySpears24: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears24: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears24: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears24: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears24: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh Shit
BritneySpears24: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh Shit
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something

Funny movies

Funny movies Mon 18 Sep 06 12:44
Not that I ever watch these, apparently real porno titles

An Officer and a Genitalman
Armaget-it-on
Bridget Jones' Hairy
Cliff Banger
Cockodile Dun-me
Diddle-her on the Roof
Done In 60 Seconds
Driving It Into Ms. Daisy
Fill Bill
Glad-he-ate-her
Harry Potter in Hermione's Chamber of Secrets
Hairy Potter Made the Philosopher Moan
I Know Who You Did Last Summer
Laid in Manhattan
Lap Dances with Wolves
Lawrence of a Labia
Legally Blown
Legs Wide Open
Meat the Parents
Missionary Impossible
Pump Friction
Shaving Ryan's Privates
Sheepless in Montana
Sheets Of San Francisco
The Bare Bitch Project
The Loin King
There's Something In and Out of Mary
Thighs Wide Open
Three Men and Some Gravy
Titty Titty Bang Bang
What's Eating Gilbert's Grapes?
When Harry Wet Sally
Willy Wanker and the Fudge Packing Factory

Laptop for naughty boys

Laptop for naughty boys Thu 21 Sep 06 13:34
Just wondering what the ladies version would be like hmmm

http://www.youtube.com/watc...

Tickle Me Elmo X

Tickle Me Elmo X Sat 23 Sep 06 21:55
http://youtube.com/watch?v=...;mode=related&search=

Another gadget to the growing pile

Death

Death Mon 2 Oct 06 18:32
Well reading today that James Blunt's song "Goodbye my lover" is the most often played at funerals got me thinking of my eulogy

"Going Underground" The Jam
"Don't Fear The Reaper" - Blue Oyster Cult
"Highway To Hell" - AC/DC
"Just A Gigalo" - Dave Lee Roth (I wish)
"Return To Sender" - Elvis
The Game Over Theme, from Super Mario Bros

The full list almost brought a tear to my eye
http://www.iol.co.za/index....;click_id=29&art_id=qw1159787520462A141

If you don't know me by now, you will never ever ever know me...

South Park Warcraft

South Park Warcraft Mon 9 Oct 06 17:56
I dont normally watch this prog or play the game but the Warcraft episode is a classic

http://youtube.com/watch?v=...

and if you're an uber geek you can spot the deliberate mistakes here

http://en.wikipedia.org/wik...

God, get a life S

Better than gladiator?

Better than gladiator? Tue 17 Oct 06 17:17
Not that Brad Pitt rubbish, this one about the Spartans released next year

300 kebab munchers versus 300,000 Persians

http://www.apple.com/traile...

Lonely Heart

Lonely Heart Mon 30 Oct 06 23:17
I've divorced better men than you. And worn more expensive shoes than these. So don't think placing this ad is the biggest comedown I've ever had to make. Sensitive F, 34.'

'List your ten favourite albums... I just want to know if there's anything worth keeping when we finally break up. Practical, forward thinking man, 35.'

'Employed in publishing? Me too. Stay the hell away. Man on the inside seeks woman on the outside who likes milling around hospitals guessing the illnesses of out-patients. 30-35. Leeds.'

'I like my women the way I like my kebab. Found by surprise after a drunken night out and covered in too much tahini. Before long I'll have discarded you on the pavement of life, but until then you're the perfect complement to a perfect evening. Man, 32, rarely produces winning metaphors.'

'My ideal woman is a man. Sorry, mother.'

'Your buying me dinner doesn't mean I'll have sex with you. I probably will have sex with you, though. Honesty not an issue with opportunistic male, 38.'

'Not everyone appearing in this column is a deranged cross-dressing sociopath. Let me know if you find one and I'll strangle him with my bra. Man, 56.'

'Are you Kate Bush? Write to obsessive man, 36. Note, people who aren't Kate Bush need not respond.'

'Stroganoff. Boysenberry. Frangipani. Words with their origins in people's names. If your name has produced its own entry in the OED then I'll make love to you. If it hasn't, I probably will anyway, but I'll only want you for your body. Man of too few distractions, 32.'

'Ploughing the loneliest furrow. Nineteen personal ads and counting. Only one reply. It was my mother telling me not to forget the bread on my way home from B&Q. Man, 51.'

'Mature gentleman, 62, aged well, noble grey looks, fit and active, sound mind and unfazed by the fickle demands of modern society seeks...damn it, I have to pee again.'

'Slut in the kitchen, chef in the bedroom. Woman with mixed priorities, 37, seeks man who can toss a good salad.'

'Bald, short, fat and ugly male, 53, seeks short-sighted woman with tremendous sexual appetite.'

'Romance is dead. So is my mother. Man, 42, inherited wealth.

I like my women like I like my coffee: Strong, cheap and waiting for me at the truck stop.
I like my women like I like my coffee: Cold, pretentious and in glasses.
I like my women like I like my coffee - white, sweet and cheap
I like my women like I like my coffee: cold and bitter
I like my women like my coffee: Brazilian and smooth, but a little nutty
I like my women the way I like my coffee - 7 AM in the morning after too much drinking
I like my women like I like my coffee: burning my crotch
I like my women like I like my coffee: Dark, bitter and hand-picked by some guy in Columbia.
I like my women like I like my neodymium iron boron magnets: attractive, bipolar and difficult to handle

And my personal favourite

I like my women the way I like my Jack Daniels - 20 years old and mixed up with coke

Amnesia

Amnesia Thu 2 Nov 06 22:12
Amnesia victim, identified after his fiance saw him on tv, claims he still has no memory of her. With pic explaining why

http://www.usatoday.com/new...

One Night Stand

One Night Stand Fri 3 Nov 06 12:48
I don't blame him...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=...

Kevin

Kevin Sun 5 Nov 06 15:40
Amazon.com has word tags to help browsers locate music they might like. Some of the K-Fed tags are a little harsh....

http://www.amazon.com/Playi...

Beautiful

Beautiful Tue 7 Nov 06 01:24
So that's how they look so fake and nasty, give me a few imperfections anyday

http://youtube.com/watch?v=...

Eric Cartman 2546

Eric Cartman 2546 Sat 11 Nov 06 21:46
This will make you smile if you are over 30 and want a new Nintendo

http://thelastboss.com/post...

Here's the first one

http://thelastboss.com/post...

Google Fun

Google Fun Fri 17 Nov 06 13:37
Go to the Google homepage, type in elgoog and click "I'm Feeling Lucky"

Tell me I'm not drunk/stoned/working too hard

Best Xmas lights evar

Best Xmas lights evar Sun 24 Dec 06 16:02
I would do this but I don't have a nuclear reactor in the garage to power them

http://youtube.com/watch?v=...;mode=related&search=

Winning at Blackjack

Winning at Blackjack Sun 28 Jan 07 02:11
Watching some teens get killed on CSI tonight while trying to cheat a casino reminded me of a probability trick called card counting, it's legal and could win you hundreds a day, OK until you get caught

Blackpool is favourite for the UK's first "Super Casino"... I'll be there, in the dark glasses, with the cocktail menu

http://en.wikipedia.org/wik...

Which also reminds me of the greatest book title ever
Reefer Warrior - How My Friends and I Found Adventure, Wealth, and Romance
Smuggling Marijuana - Until We All Went to Jail

Don't taunt the karate baby

Don't taunt the karate baby Tue 30 Jan 07 23:50
For my special m8 you know who u r ;-)

http://www.youtube.com/watc...

So I was driving to work

So I was driving to work Sun 11 Feb 07 01:16
and this d1ck in a truck just pulled out in front of me (click to enlarge :p)

..

TRADE: My Coke for Your Pot

TRADE: My Coke for Your Pot Tue 20 Feb 07 23:35
I have a 12-Can "Fridge Pack" of Coca Cola Zero. What I need is a heavy duty aluminum or non-stick cooking pot suitable for everything from making spaghetti to steaming mussels. Will consider other offers!

Credit card scam

Credit card scam - BE CAREFUL 16:47
I was emailed this at work today:-

Credit Card Scam - BE VERY CAREFUL
Date: 2006-11-24, 7:51AM PST

I got nailed by this scam last weekend and it still hurts.

Someone will approach you pretending to be your "loving wife" complete with gratuitous sex and your favourite snack. She will then subtly ask if you have a balance on your credit card. This is where you MUST answer "Yes, it's completely maxed out", otherwise she will cleverly slip it from your wallet while pretending to enjoy fondling your coconuts. Later that day, while you rest comfortably on the couch remote in hand, your card will be used to purchase half a dozen ridiculously overpriced "sale" items. The scam is so diabolical it resists any recourse by the presentation of one small gift, purchased with your card of course, special for you only. Your "loving wife" will then revert back to "moody bitch" and disappear to wherever it is they go while you're in the house.

Mobile Phone Secret

Mobile Phone Secret Mon 26 Feb 07 09:19
Did you know there is a secret 3 digit number you can call even when the keypad is locked? You didn’t? Well read on....

The number is 112 and it calls the emergency services. It not only works if the keypad is locked, you can also call it if the SIM card is missing. If you are outside the coverage of your service provider it routes to the nearest available alternative network, and it also works across the whole of Europe, apparently

So if this little trick saves your life one day, drop me an e-mail, and send me a bottle of vodka, the good stuff. Cheers

Eclipse

Eclipse Sat 3 Mar 07 23:31
Well the lunar eclipse is well underway, almost like Mars has dropped in for a visit. There are 2 really spooky things about the moon

1) It turns on its axis in exactly the same time period as it rotates around the Earth. So we only ever see one side, the far side is never visible from the Earth nor does it have the dusty plains we call seas

2) If the Earth was the size of a pea, the Sun would be the size of a beach ball and the Moon would be the size of a grain of mustard. The really weird thing is that when viewed from the Earth, both the Sun and the Moon have exactly the same apparent size in the sky, without which we wouldn't get solar eclipses. What are the odds

I've heard it said that the Moon was purposely put in the sky to stimulate human development, making women irrationally stroppy every orbit maybe also made males wander off for a day or two

Rehab

Rehab Wed 7 Mar 07 14:03
"It's very fashionable to be in rehab. This whole thing is a total indulgence, Britney and Robbie need to get a grip. We've allowed these people to feel sorry for themselves. I don't know what's going on in Britney's head but my attitude is I couldn't care less. She should go back and live with her mum for six months."

- Simon Cowell

Couldn't have put it better myself, wtg fatty

Growing up with bows and arrows

Growing up with bows and arrows Wed 14 Mar 07 13:07
I thought I would write a longish one as I’m getting quite old and might forget this

Just over a year ago I mentioned to a friend I was thinking of enrolling on a bow making course in the woods nearby, but the five days holiday needed was putting me off. I would rather be sipping things by a sunny pool. He persuaded me by saying something along the lines of “You’ll regret it if you don’t, when would you ever do that again” and he was right

Variety does make life pass more slowly which is something we did as kids, but didn’t realise at the time. As we grow up we become preoccupied with relationships, career, mortgage, life becomes routine and utterly forgetful. Groundhog Day without the fun. Its Wimbledon, it’s Christmas, you retire too old to do anything and then you’re dead

Who cares if everyone stares while you test all the footballs in Asda, life is too short

Making a longbow from a lump of unseasoned ash is a risky business, perhaps a third of them being made on the course snapped, but mine was OK and now takes pride of place for any visitors who want boring to death. Maybe there is something primeval for an Englishman that brings on a little tingle when shooting arrows, like the smell of a wood burning fire makes me think I’ve forgotten something. Or maybe it’s the accurate power projection thing of golf with the Zen of throwing a frisbee

Anyway if you get into archery a word of warning. Those Realtree compound bows from the USA with the fibre optic sights do look sexy, but instead of the middle C twang of a standard recurve bow, you will hear a deep bass “thud” shortly followed by muttered “oh shit” as the arrow goes about ten times further than planned, towards a busy highway and/or school

And as of last weekend I’ve moved on to rockets

HDTV or not

HDTV or not Wed 21 Mar 07 13:07
Go into Tesco’s, Comet and the like and you will be spoilt for choice between HD Ready flat screen TV’s, priced from £500 upwards

What these buy one get one free monopolistic ripoff merchants neglect to remind you is that they produce an image 720, 768 or even 780 pixel lines high, a bit better than your old PAL signal having 576 lines, yet proper high definition is 1080 lines high. In the larger outlets you will see these 1080 tellys with a sticker that says “True HD”. http://en.wikipedia.org/wik... I haven’t checked the HD/BluRay DVD's definition but I wouldn't be surprised if they are mostly 1080

Sky and Virgin broadcast their HD content in 1080 lines, your brand new “HD Nearly Ready” scales the picture down to suit its craptasticness

“Sale And Supply Of Goods Act 1994”, I want my money back and I’ll wait a year for the proper ones to be stocked

The delicate balance that is my ballsack

The delicate balance that is my ballsack Fri 23 Mar 07 15:19
I trim. I mow the lawn up top to basically look like a pizza slice with a bite taken out. I use clippers for this.

As for the balls and taint I have set up a system that helps me shave them without getting bumps or redness.

I took a balloon, blew it up, lathered it, and then practiced shaving it until I could do so with a surgeon’s precision. It took practice but I finally felt that I had it down after several tries, one crying spell, and the Rocky theme playing in the background.

So I decided last night would be my first ball shaving with the new technique.

So I get naked, do a shot of JD, and then strip. Oh fuck, the blinds! Okay close them after waving to my neighbour and proceed to ground zero… my bathroom.

Once in the bathroom I put on a headband and start shouting slogans at myself in the mirror.

“Yeah biatch it’s going down”

“Look at you! Is that even hair? Who would want you?”

“Y'all gonna be smooth!” pointing to my wiry sack.

Out with the bad air…in with the good.

Okay so the tools are now all laid out. Three different razors. Gillette shaving cream. Water is running and Norah Jones is in the CD player. I don’t know why but her voice makes me want to shave my balls. But I digress.

I splash a little cold water on my eggs so the bag will shrivel up. Good, nice and tight.

My hands are shaking like leaves. Drip of sweat coming from my brow, and you bitches questioned the headband; I go in for the first hover stroke.

I can’t do it.

I drop the razor and pace. Fuck! All this prep work! All my training! All those popped balloons!

Do it for the balloons kid, for the balloons. The voice in my head was familiar. Mickey?

I grab the razor (cue inspirational music… you’re the best, arooound. Nothin’ in the world can keep you down!)

I have never spoken in tongues or had an out of body experience but this is what I imagine it is like. I was hitting angles that I never thought possible. I was upside down at one point.

I woke up speaking Latin and had two leg nuggets as smooth as silk. The phone had shaving cream and a couple of pubes on it and there was no more bourbon.

Today, my friends, I have the smoothest sack in Staffordshire. It feels like that Viagra commercial when that guy got his confidence back. I am walking into rooms just eager to show my newly shorn sack.

New haircut? Nope, shaved my balls! Did you get that promotion? Nope, silky sack!

You’re the best, around. Nothin’ in the world can keep you down. You’re the best around…..

Petrolhead

Petrolhead Sat 24 Mar 07 06:56
And this is why I am saving my pennies for a Ferrari

Reminds me of my old Alfa, I didn't feel like I was buckling the seatbelts on, more than I was strapping a rocketcar to my back.

Bit slow into the petrol station though mate

http://www.youtube.com/watc...

And here's one I made on my last trip to Paris

http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmd...

Cricket

Cricket Mon 26 Mar 07 00:57
I read today the Pakistan cricket team are now so disillusioned with the game they have taken up bob slaying instead

Whatever happened to the crap joke forum anyway

This will make you cry

This will make you cry Sun 1 Apr 07 15:30
Not me getting my nuts stuck in an escalator, no

http://www.youtube.com/watc...

but speaking of escalators... I thought the biggest in Europe was at Pier 6 at Gatwick, one of my old stomping grounds, and there's a pic of me on the project team profile somewhere on teh intraweb, take that CD for cyber presence :-p

http://www.youtube.com/watc...;eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Ethesun%2Eco%2Euk%2Farticle%2F0%2C%2C2%2D2007140441%2C00%2Ehtml

a/s/l? >a/s/l?> a/s/l?

a/s/l? >a/s/l?> a/s/l? Tue 3 Apr 07 15:43
"An Australian company has found a way for bloggers to chat with their friends online without having to be anywhere near a computer or communications device.

Sydney-based outfit MyCyberTwin.com has developed an application that uses artificial intelligence (AI) technology to simulate intelligent conversations.

While such applications, known as chatterbots, have been around for a couple of decades now, MyCyberTwin is one of the first programs to allow users to actively educate their online personas to best suit their own.

The online clone can chat on a user's behalf through social networks such as MySpace, blogs, dating sites and MSN instant messaging.

For some, it's the online equivalent of the sort of autopilot conversations people have when they've been asked the same question a million times over."

Probably also useful in finding Sarah Connor

Driving can be fun

Driving can be fun Thu 5 Apr 07 01:12
So I drive maybe 30,000 miles a year and have done for the last ten years, so here are some tips and observations that they don’t teach you on your driving lessons. No I'm not a rep

Rear foglights are for when it’s f-o-g-g-y, not for when it’s r-a-i-n-i-n-g. If you have them on in the rain, the poor driver behind you will be dazzled, when you brake suddenly he probably won’t see you, and you will collide. It’s your fault, because you are an a-s-s-h-o-l-e, and karma will get you in the end. So that's why everyone is waving at you as they go past

Front foglights are for when it’s f-o-g-g-y, not for when i-t-s-g-e-t-t-i-n-g-d-a-r-k. If you really want to show you have a slightly more expensive car model, then consider painting luminous bright big arrows by the rear badge to show everyone. Front foglights scare rabbits in the hedges, contribute absolutely nothing to your forward vision in normal road conditions and dazzle the poor driver coming towards you who might well then crash into you, asshole

Hey you in the craptastic silver three series, when you undertake me and try and cut into my lane remember that depending on my mood at the time I might accidently forget to brake and slam into your sorry behind because my car has more airbags than a bouncy castle and some days, well I just don’t care. Some companies employ an incident management company who will make you suffer, won’t they Mr Brown of Sevenoaks in Kent. You’re a menace to society and deserve a nice spell in hospital with whiplash, as well as a hike in your insurance premium, asshole

Nothing says “cheap-ass-company-car-driver-I-don’t-care-about-t he-planet-because-I’m saving-fifty-quid-a-year” more than a TDI badge

Hey you there in the silver Mercedes sitting in the outside lane with about 5 miles of empty space in front. There might just conceivably be individuals behind who want to go a teeny bit faster than the speed limit, especially on the M40, so pull in before they undertake you dozens at a time. Just look in your mirrors every ten minutes or so and you will see them queueing up patiently behind you picking their noses. Otherwise everyone goes home pissed off

Try your hardest to indicate on roundabouts, no-one likes waiting for a long queue of traffic pulling off the exit just before yours, and not knowing where the fuck you were going until after you have fucked off

Anyone who drives while wearing a hat is either too young or too old to be allowed to drive safely despite what the law says, and should be given a very wide berth

When its snowing, you will find your large expensive sports saloon with massively wide tyres makes you look a complete prat skidding everywhere while Peugeot 106’s and 2CV’s with bicycle skinny tyres whiz past like you are parked up

The highway code dosen’t say maneuver, indicate, mirror you twat. Yes that’s me behind giving you a one fingered congratulation

Hey Mr lorry driver, while you pull out past Mr other lorry driver on a dual carriageway with a 1% slope doing 1mph faster than him, remember there is a queue of oooh maybe 100 cars behind you as the gap ahead opens to 10 miles or so, just have a look in your mirrors, and they are allowed to go slightly faster than you, so try and wait for a big gap will you next time pretty please otherwise everyone gets there late and a little sadder for encountering you

There’s always one who will try and attach themselves to your bumper to hint they may wish to go a little faster, even though you are all in a monster queue. I usually pull in graciously to let them go past, before giving them a wide berth, after squirting them with my washers in a ceremonial urination all over their car. And once it was an unmarked police car behind me in a hurry who pulled over the car in front because he wasn’t so polite, bet you regret it now Mr £60 and 3 points on your licence passat man

Don’t drive so close to the vehicle in front that you are constantly having to tap your brakes, or everyone will point at you and say “look at the asshole let’s stick needles in a straw effigy of him until he dies”

Drive observantly and respectfully and let’s all get there safely

Bye Bye LS #3

GIRLFRIEND WITH A/C REQUIRED Fri 13 Apr 07 13:21
I am looking for a moderately attractive woman between the ages of 18 and 40 who has air conditioning in her bedroom. As the temperature is expected to reach the high 30’s this summer, my need for a girlfriend with air conditioning is especially pertinent.

This arrangement is intended for the months of July/August, however, an indian summer may extend our relationship.

If all goes well, I could offer warmth in the winter.

P.S. No fatties

Lose weight and still be a slob Wed 11 Apr 07 10:22
Lose a stone a year you lazy slob

If you want to lose a stone in weight without giving up chocolate, chips or breaking a sweat here’s how.

Chewing gum increases your metabolic rate by 19%, and burns about 13 calories per hour. So by chewing any brand of sugar free gum during all your waking hours you will burn 11 pounds of fat a year, plus a little appetite suppressant equals one stone a year. Thats six and a quarter bags of sugar

Regards, a fatty (not)

"Edward Penishands"

Those Evil Persians Tue 10 Apr 07 15:39 “It is, however, useful to ask how we would act if Iran had invaded and occupied Canada and Mexico and was arresting U.S. government representatives there on the grounds that they were resisting the Iranian occupation (called “liberation,” of course). Imagine as well that Iran was deploying massive naval forces in the Caribbean and issuing credible threats to launch a wave of attacks against a vast range of sites — nuclear and otherwise — in the United States, if the U.S. government did not immediately terminate all its nuclear energy programs (and, naturally, dismantle all its nuclear weapons). Suppose that all of this happened after Iran had overthrown the government of the U.S. and installed a vicious tyrant (as the US did to Iran in 1953), then later supported a Russian invasion of the U.S. that killed millions of people (just as the U.S. supported Saddam Hussein’s invasion of Iran in 1980, killing hundreds of thousands of Iranians, a figure comparable to millions of Americans). Would we watch quietly?”

Lifted from a Noam Chomsky article, kinda puts things in perspective.

Interestingly also of the global defence expenditure the US spends half, that’s half the global total, more than the next 20 countries put together, including Russia, China, Japan, Britain, France, Germany, North Korea, Syria, Iran, Iraq, Libya etc.etc. Still if we’ve got to have one superpower they’re third or fourth on my list so it could be worse.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Dubya and the little bearded fella were on the phone now planning their next oil price increase stunt

Smartastic Sat 7 Apr 07 01:25
How smart are you..... scroll down for the answers

1) How many birthdays does the average man have?

2) Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?

3) Is it legal in Scotland for a man to marry his widow's sister?

4) Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?

5) If there are three apples and you take away two, how many do you have?

6) A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?

7) How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?

1) One
2) All of them
3) No he's dead
4) 70
5) 2
6) 9
7) None it was Noah

Bye Bye LS #2

Before I Forget Them Tue 8 May 07 09:07
Some quotes from the Amsterdam weekend from my nephews as an aide memoire, how I managed to remember them this long is a mystery

"You're either fcuked or you're not" (Connor)
"I don't think I can walk" (Connor)
"See, I told you you couldn't read a map when you're fcuked" (Connor)
"You're just a pair of paranoid stoner fcuks" (Oliver)

What a beautiful place and people to match

The Apprentice Thu 3 May 07 10:29
The top six reasons I won’t be applying for the next series of The Apprentice, in ascending order of importance: -

6) I can’t be doing with all that backstabbing bitching to get ahead; get a job with some positive karma you selfish assholes
5) I won’t get up earlier than 7am more than once in a calendar month
4) There’s already one bearded bastard at work who thinks he’s God
3) Watching my image talking on TV would scare the fook out of me, I’d get déjà vu and amnesia at the same time, ok maybe I’ve forgotten this before
2) I don’t want to risk the kiss and tell stories in the tabloids from psycho ex-girlfriends who hold a grudge for all eternity, well one in particular and she’s not on here (I hope or I’m off)
1) And last but not least, I couldn’t take a pay cut woohoo

Top Tips Fri 27 Apr 07 15:10
Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They
will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence

X-FIILES FANS. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously
"erased"

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully
refreshed and on time

Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen
chips from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard

Don't buy expensive "ribbed" condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on

ANOREXICS. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes again

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator

Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their
lights on when their guide dog isn't looking

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home
by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,
then urinating into it, before jumping in

GIRLS. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in
a sand pit in your garden, and shag every bloke who looks at you over
the fence

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply
pissing in the sink

GARDENERS. Wrap seedling potatoes in a wire mesh before planting. Hey presto! Ready cut chips at harvest time

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it

CORSA DRIVERS. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so It may as well look like one

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket

HOUSEWIVES. When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff
broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the
side of the road every time you have a minor accident

(pinched from Viz)

Playstation Threeeee Tue 24 Apr 07 12:43
I succumbed to temptation and bought a PS3 after reading quite a few reviews. So that’s my 14th games console, not including PC’s. Anyone might think I’m a sad gamer who should get out more

They say consoles need a killer app to succeed and this one did it for me

http://youtube.com/watch?v=...

Why Sony don’t show this as a TV advert is bizarre. All the shops are still full of the machines, yet Wii’s are still as rare as rocking horse doo-doo

The PS3 graphics are better than a 360, and although there aren’t a lot of games about yet, some are out of this world on a proper HD screen. There is some serious processing power under that hood. There is a demo of Gran Tourismo HD available as a free download from the Playstation 3 store, my visitors were amazed they weren’t watching a movie. It is a lot better than PGR3, and that rocked my socks off. So it’s an expensive console compared to a 360, yet we can still buy them cheaper than anywhere else in Europe shock horror and Sony apparently make a loss on every machine sold. You do get built in wireless (+£50 on the Xbox) and a HD Blu-Ray drive (+£120 on the Xbox for the other type). There’s also a very funky “Second Life” clone coming this month called Playstation Home.

http://kotaku.com/gaming/gd...

While Microsoft expect you to pay a fiver for some craptacular arcade game on Xbox live you can download Tekken 5 for £6.99 on the Playstation store. Wii’s are funky but photo-realistic they’re not - Yoshimutsu won’t be slicing and dicing there

And these are just the first generation game graphics. It might be reduced to £350 by Xmas but by then all the silly online names will be gone. If you fancy a multiplayer game of Motorstorm drop me a line :-)

Let us frolic in my awesome blanket fort Fri 20 Apr 07 13:50
Yes, I know what you’re saying, “dude, blanket forts suck.” That would not be the first time I’ve heard such short-sighted criticism. Their structural integrity is dubious at best and there isn’t a whole lot of headroom. But c’mon, it’s not like I’m a Dip Eng or anything. I have vast resources of cushions for anchoring and blankets in order to maximize square footage. My living room is just waiting to be turned into a totally sweet labyrinth of adventure.

I am very open to suggestions in respect to design and construction, as I’d like this fort to be a shared vision. Much like the Taj Mahal, its intended that this little beauty will be inspired by a very special person. Once our shelter is erected, we can move in and work on some of our higher order needs. Or we could just order a pizza and tell ghost stories. Please email me with a picture if you want to be invited to this living room party. It will be sweet.

PS: No farting

To the short fat woman by the A515 every morning Mon 16 Apr 07 12:25
I drive past you every weekday, just before 8am. As I’m approaching from behind you probably don’t realise I notice you. Just another car swooshing past, but I do. At first you were my lateness barometer, but now your life intrigues me and every morning you make me smile. I wonder which corner you have reached when I arrive

I also used to walk to work through the sun and the wind and the rain for a couple of years, and I miss that, but not the poverty. So I do feel some empathy to you. You seem so happy plodding along even though you are the only pedestrian for miles

I can tell you’re not really bothered about people watching you. I love the way you walk devoid of female pretension, and swing your handbag like it’s a club. I love the fact you show a bit of skin at your chunky belly under your coat, you just don’t care what people think and that’s great, you go girl woohoo

If you broke a heel on your shoes I might stop and offer you a lift. I would worry if I saw you getting into a strange car now. But I’ve never seen you wear heels yet, I’ll keep watching out for you though and hopefully help keep you safe. Not that you probably need it judging by the way you walk

I wonder if you live on a farm as it’s remote there, I think you probably work in a small business office nearby. I apologise if I’m generalising, you could be a mechanic or a tractor driver

I wonder if you have a lover and if you are enthusiastic in bed

I’m not interested in that way, just a bloke and I can’t help it. I’m not a stalker either, they’re usually women anyway

I’m not gay but my boyfriend is...

Bye Bye LS

Google fun #2 Thu 12 Jul 07 14:01
Type in any of the following and then click the "I'm feeling lucky" button

google l33t
google swedish chef
google loco
google elmer fudd

and my fave

google gothic

Voting for BJ Mon 21 May 07 14:32
I can’t be bothered to vote because there isn’t really a party out there that floats my boat nor does one vote make any difference

I could be a political assassin though dressed like a ninja but er ok well I’ll shut up now

There is one guy I would positively vote for, even go out campaigning for, and that man is Boris Johnson, here's a collection of his best quotes: -

While at the Daily Telegraph, explaining why his work was usually late, “Dark forces dragged me away from the keyboard, swirling forces of irresistible intensity and power”

Explaining why he quit after a week as a management consultant, “Try as I might, I could not look at an overhead projection of a growth profit matrix, and stay conscious”

“Yes, cannabis is dangerous, but no more than other perfectly legal drugs. It's time for a rethink, and the Tory party - the funkiest, most jiving party on Earth - is where it's happening”

“I don't see why people are so snooty about Channel 5. It has some respectable documentaries about the Second World War. It also devotes considerable airtime to investigations into lap dancing, and other related and vital subjects”

“Nor do I propose to defend the right to talk on a mobile while driving a car, though I don't believe that is necessarily any more dangerous than the many other risky things that people do with their free hands while driving - nose-picking, reading the paper, studying the A-Z, beating the children, and so on”

“I forgot that to rely on a train, in Blair's Britain, is to engage in a crapshoot with the devil”

“I have as much chance of becoming Prime Minister as of being decapitated by a frisbee or of finding Elvis”

“The Lib Dems are not just empty. They are a void within a vacuum surrounded by a vast inanition”

“Some readers will no doubt say that a devil is inside me; and though my faith is a bit like Magic FM in the Chilterns, in that the signal comes and goes, I can only hope that isn't so”

“My friends, as I have discovered myself, there are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters”

“Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3”

“Life isn’t like coursework, baby. It’s one damn essay crisis after another”

“I'm backing David Cameron's campaign out of pure, cynical self-interest”

“I think I was once given cocaine but I sneezed so it didn't go up my nose. In fact, it may have been icing sugar”

“I could not fail to disagree with you less”

Lost or what Tue 15 May 07 16:57
Not the TV programme, an extract from Charlie Stross's blog about GPS in mobile phones, how interesting is that

"Right now, Nokia is designing global positioning system receivers into every new mobile phone they plan to sell. GPS receivers in a phone SIM card have been demonstrated. GPS is exploding everywhere. It used to be for navigating battleships; now it's in your pocket, along with a moving map. And GPS is pretty crude — you need open line of sight on the satellites, and the signal's messed up. We can do better than this, and we will. In five years, we'll all have phones that connect physical locations again, instead of (or as well as) people. And we'll be raising a generation of kids who don't know what it is to be lost, to not know where you are and how to get to some desired destination from wherever that is.

Think about that. "Being lost" has been part of the human experience ever since our hominid ancestors were knuckle-walking around the plains of Africa. And we're going to lose it — at least, we're going to make it as unusual an experience as finding yourself out in public without your underpants."

It's an interesting discussion about the future, lifeblogs, privacy issues, if you like that kinda thing http://www.antipope.org/cha...

The last time I was lost was last weekend on a motorway, but it was abroad, dam satnavs! In stupid sexy Flanders!

FREE PARIS HILTON Fri 11 May 07 12:58
BOGOF (buy one get one free, did you see what I did there)

The petition to send her to prison has three times as many signatures as the one to keep her out, you can sign the “Jail Paris Hilton” one here http://www.ipetitions.com/p...

I signed both petitions, as Mr. London HolidayInn and Mr. Liverpool TravelLodge, just to be on the safe side

I really ought to do some work now

Were you taking the piss? Wed 9 May 07 13:01 I saw you racing up the inside lane when you must have seen the artic broken down, we were all queuing in the outside, and when the tranny van in front cut in I kinda figured you might do the same and cut me up. So there you were in your hatchback with your winkers on, and I’m guessing you could tell by the 6 millimetre gap I left, I was kinda late and feeling uncharitable

I can’t figure out if you were a very good driver or just dumb, anyway as you poked your elegently manicured thumb out the window as you cut in, and gave me the thumbs up even before I had backed off, I was a bit grrrr, but I don’t do the beeping finger waving headlights thing unless someone is really naughty. And I’m basically a mellow fellow. And then as you pulled in you gave me a wave. So I waved back. And you waved again. So I waved back. Kinda reminds me of one early morning on the M42 when 2 lorry drivers kept winking thanks to each other for miles, and I just had to slow down and smile. And then I overtook you and I never look across

So were you talking the piss or not ?

I swear to drunk I'm not God

About Me

Friday, August 24, 2007