Bye Bye LS #2

Before I Forget Them Tue 8 May 07 09:07
Some quotes from the Amsterdam weekend from my nephews as an aide memoire, how I managed to remember them this long is a mystery

"You're either fcuked or you're not" (Connor)
"I don't think I can walk" (Connor)
"See, I told you you couldn't read a map when you're fcuked" (Connor)
"You're just a pair of paranoid stoner fcuks" (Oliver)

What a beautiful place and people to match

The Apprentice Thu 3 May 07 10:29
The top six reasons I won’t be applying for the next series of The Apprentice, in ascending order of importance: -

6) I can’t be doing with all that backstabbing bitching to get ahead; get a job with some positive karma you selfish assholes
5) I won’t get up earlier than 7am more than once in a calendar month
4) There’s already one bearded bastard at work who thinks he’s God
3) Watching my image talking on TV would scare the fook out of me, I’d get déjà vu and amnesia at the same time, ok maybe I’ve forgotten this before
2) I don’t want to risk the kiss and tell stories in the tabloids from psycho ex-girlfriends who hold a grudge for all eternity, well one in particular and she’s not on here (I hope or I’m off)
1) And last but not least, I couldn’t take a pay cut woohoo

Top Tips Fri 27 Apr 07 15:10
Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They
will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence

X-FIILES FANS. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously
"erased"

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully
refreshed and on time

Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen
chips from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard

Don't buy expensive "ribbed" condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on

ANOREXICS. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes again

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator

Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their
lights on when their guide dog isn't looking

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home
by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,
then urinating into it, before jumping in

GIRLS. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in
a sand pit in your garden, and shag every bloke who looks at you over
the fence

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply
pissing in the sink

GARDENERS. Wrap seedling potatoes in a wire mesh before planting. Hey presto! Ready cut chips at harvest time

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it

CORSA DRIVERS. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so It may as well look like one

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket

HOUSEWIVES. When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff
broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the
side of the road every time you have a minor accident

(pinched from Viz)

Playstation Threeeee Tue 24 Apr 07 12:43
I succumbed to temptation and bought a PS3 after reading quite a few reviews. So that’s my 14th games console, not including PC’s. Anyone might think I’m a sad gamer who should get out more

They say consoles need a killer app to succeed and this one did it for me

http://youtube.com/watch?v=...

Why Sony don’t show this as a TV advert is bizarre. All the shops are still full of the machines, yet Wii’s are still as rare as rocking horse doo-doo

The PS3 graphics are better than a 360, and although there aren’t a lot of games about yet, some are out of this world on a proper HD screen. There is some serious processing power under that hood. There is a demo of Gran Tourismo HD available as a free download from the Playstation 3 store, my visitors were amazed they weren’t watching a movie. It is a lot better than PGR3, and that rocked my socks off. So it’s an expensive console compared to a 360, yet we can still buy them cheaper than anywhere else in Europe shock horror and Sony apparently make a loss on every machine sold. You do get built in wireless (+£50 on the Xbox) and a HD Blu-Ray drive (+£120 on the Xbox for the other type). There’s also a very funky “Second Life” clone coming this month called Playstation Home.

http://kotaku.com/gaming/gd...

While Microsoft expect you to pay a fiver for some craptacular arcade game on Xbox live you can download Tekken 5 for £6.99 on the Playstation store. Wii’s are funky but photo-realistic they’re not - Yoshimutsu won’t be slicing and dicing there

And these are just the first generation game graphics. It might be reduced to £350 by Xmas but by then all the silly online names will be gone. If you fancy a multiplayer game of Motorstorm drop me a line :-)

Let us frolic in my awesome blanket fort Fri 20 Apr 07 13:50
Yes, I know what you’re saying, “dude, blanket forts suck.” That would not be the first time I’ve heard such short-sighted criticism. Their structural integrity is dubious at best and there isn’t a whole lot of headroom. But c’mon, it’s not like I’m a Dip Eng or anything. I have vast resources of cushions for anchoring and blankets in order to maximize square footage. My living room is just waiting to be turned into a totally sweet labyrinth of adventure.

I am very open to suggestions in respect to design and construction, as I’d like this fort to be a shared vision. Much like the Taj Mahal, its intended that this little beauty will be inspired by a very special person. Once our shelter is erected, we can move in and work on some of our higher order needs. Or we could just order a pizza and tell ghost stories. Please email me with a picture if you want to be invited to this living room party. It will be sweet.

PS: No farting


To the short fat woman by the A515 every morning Mon 16 Apr 07 12:25
I drive past you every weekday, just before 8am. As I’m approaching from behind you probably don’t realise I notice you. Just another car swooshing past, but I do. At first you were my lateness barometer, but now your life intrigues me and every morning you make me smile. I wonder which corner you have reached when I arrive

I also used to walk to work through the sun and the wind and the rain for a couple of years, and I miss that, but not the poverty. So I do feel some empathy to you. You seem so happy plodding along even though you are the only pedestrian for miles

I can tell you’re not really bothered about people watching you. I love the way you walk devoid of female pretension, and swing your handbag like it’s a club. I love the fact you show a bit of skin at your chunky belly under your coat, you just don’t care what people think and that’s great, you go girl woohoo

If you broke a heel on your shoes I might stop and offer you a lift. I would worry if I saw you getting into a strange car now. But I’ve never seen you wear heels yet, I’ll keep watching out for you though and hopefully help keep you safe. Not that you probably need it judging by the way you walk

I wonder if you live on a farm as it’s remote there, I think you probably work in a small business office nearby. I apologise if I’m generalising, you could be a mechanic or a tractor driver

I wonder if you have a lover and if you are enthusiastic in bed

I’m not interested in that way, just a bloke and I can’t help it. I’m not a stalker either, they’re usually women anyway

I’m not gay but my boyfriend is...