Driving can be fun

Driving can be fun Thu 5 Apr 07 01:12
So I drive maybe 30,000 miles a year and have done for the last ten years, so here are some tips and observations that they don’t teach you on your driving lessons. No I'm not a rep

Rear foglights are for when it’s f-o-g-g-y, not for when it’s r-a-i-n-i-n-g. If you have them on in the rain, the poor driver behind you will be dazzled, when you brake suddenly he probably won’t see you, and you will collide. It’s your fault, because you are an a-s-s-h-o-l-e, and karma will get you in the end. So that's why everyone is waving at you as they go past

Front foglights are for when it’s f-o-g-g-y, not for when i-t-s-g-e-t-t-i-n-g-d-a-r-k. If you really want to show you have a slightly more expensive car model, then consider painting luminous bright big arrows by the rear badge to show everyone. Front foglights scare rabbits in the hedges, contribute absolutely nothing to your forward vision in normal road conditions and dazzle the poor driver coming towards you who might well then crash into you, asshole

Hey you in the craptastic silver three series, when you undertake me and try and cut into my lane remember that depending on my mood at the time I might accidently forget to brake and slam into your sorry behind because my car has more airbags than a bouncy castle and some days, well I just don’t care. Some companies employ an incident management company who will make you suffer, won’t they Mr Brown of Sevenoaks in Kent. You’re a menace to society and deserve a nice spell in hospital with whiplash, as well as a hike in your insurance premium, asshole

Nothing says “cheap-ass-company-car-driver-I-don’t-care-about-t he-planet-because-I’m saving-fifty-quid-a-year” more than a TDI badge

Hey you there in the silver Mercedes sitting in the outside lane with about 5 miles of empty space in front. There might just conceivably be individuals behind who want to go a teeny bit faster than the speed limit, especially on the M40, so pull in before they undertake you dozens at a time. Just look in your mirrors every ten minutes or so and you will see them queueing up patiently behind you picking their noses. Otherwise everyone goes home pissed off

Try your hardest to indicate on roundabouts, no-one likes waiting for a long queue of traffic pulling off the exit just before yours, and not knowing where the fuck you were going until after you have fucked off

Anyone who drives while wearing a hat is either too young or too old to be allowed to drive safely despite what the law says, and should be given a very wide berth

When its snowing, you will find your large expensive sports saloon with massively wide tyres makes you look a complete prat skidding everywhere while Peugeot 106’s and 2CV’s with bicycle skinny tyres whiz past like you are parked up

The highway code dosen’t say maneuver, indicate, mirror you twat. Yes that’s me behind giving you a one fingered congratulation

Hey Mr lorry driver, while you pull out past Mr other lorry driver on a dual carriageway with a 1% slope doing 1mph faster than him, remember there is a queue of oooh maybe 100 cars behind you as the gap ahead opens to 10 miles or so, just have a look in your mirrors, and they are allowed to go slightly faster than you, so try and wait for a big gap will you next time pretty please otherwise everyone gets there late and a little sadder for encountering you

There’s always one who will try and attach themselves to your bumper to hint they may wish to go a little faster, even though you are all in a monster queue. I usually pull in graciously to let them go past, before giving them a wide berth, after squirting them with my washers in a ceremonial urination all over their car. And once it was an unmarked police car behind me in a hurry who pulled over the car in front because he wasn’t so polite, bet you regret it now Mr £60 and 3 points on your licence passat man

Don’t drive so close to the vehicle in front that you are constantly having to tap your brakes, or everyone will point at you and say “look at the asshole let’s stick needles in a straw effigy of him until he dies”

Drive observantly and respectfully and let’s all get there safely